They are eating our cats!
The ‘ Q’ zette wanted to ask this political genius and self proclaimed expert on immigration, healthcare and Social Security, how to best deal with the apparent onslaught of humanity pouring over the border. Born in Beerpuke Montana, Jacob Chansley currently resides in Leavenworth Kansas. Says Jacob, “Your looking at one prisoner who thinks its Ironic a guy like me, that has done everything in his power to make sure all these filthy lawless intruders damn well earn their free ‘Government Cheese’ should be in this situation. These fiithy violent criminal scumbags get Free rent, food, medical, dental, heat and light, all tax free and they only work if they feel like it, Fucking ingrates!” Actually, your a prisoner, isn’t that exactly how ‘you’ live? “I am not a prisoner”! Chansley howls, “I am a victim of the ‘Deep State’, ‘The Swamp’ and a completely misguided and corrupt justice system. I’m being held by the LIBERAL Biden crime syndicate without trial, hearing or representation. Its completely wrong and without merit. They are holding innocent tourists that just wanted to look around the Capitol building. Its un-American my friend, UN- AMERICAN!! God damn funckin’ BIDEN LIBERAL SCUM!” Well, actually your being held under the Patriot Act, a thoroughly and completely Ultra Right Wing construct with its roots dating back to the Reagan/Bush era and the original American bombings of Iraq and the invasion of Kuwait. The legislation gives government almost unlimited powers of detention, questioning and imprisonment. The ACLU along with many other left leaning political think- tanks spent millions of man hours and dollars fighting the ‘Rights’ implementation of the the laws that have now imprisoned you. I then noticed that Jacob had a profound twitch in is chin and his eyes, deeply welled up. “Did you say Reagan? I’m going to need a minute”. He gets up and asked the guards to let him out of the room, he whispers, “Ill be back”. The faint, but unmistakable sound of sobbing could be heard from the hallway. . . uneasy quiet pause. . . the topic quickly changes. So is Federal prison OK? How are you doing? “It beats my mothers basement buy a mile, but I do miss her meatloaf cakes and the smell of stale whiskey and cigarettes as she tucked me in at night. I have met lots of like minded folks here however, real solid people that keep their eyes wide open and understand how completely screwed this country is without Trump as president. It has actually been fun in some respects. My new friends call me ‘Ralphy’ after the character from ‘A Christmas story’, mostly because of my boyish charm and innocence. My new buddy Lance ‘The Cot Buster’ Drillmen loves calling me that.” Lets talk about January 6 and how you ended up in this situation. His eyes alight, “First, I’ll answer what I can but I’m still facing FISA restrictions.” So why did all this resonate with so many people? “Look Americans,,, TRUE Americans have had it with insurgents, taxes and all the worlds garbage being thrown in our dumpster, so to speak. And its not just Mexicans we have to deal with, its our old friends the Jews, gays, chinks and the niggers too, you know, ‘them’ people. How are we supposed to have one world and one humanity if we have all this diversity? And don’t get me started on the mandatory sex change operations the kids have to have in grammar school. We pay all these taxes only to have it all given to scum that ain’t done a God damn thing for it”. Isn’t the name ‘Chansley’ of British origin? “No! Its American as America gets!” Well a simple check clearly shows the name Chansley is of British lineage, the only country, by the way, to ever formerly invade America. “Not true” Says Chansley, “That’s all bullshit perpetrated by the internet and Google A.I.” We decided not to press the point. So its safe to assume that your a Trump supporter? “Of course! He has all the solutions. There are plenty of people that would end the America I love so much. He will show them how to respect the Constitution and the rule of law. Hes also the only person that can fix everything we face.” A billionaire business man that is in complete resonance with the little guy. Just look at Mar-a-lago, look who he hires? Look at any of the stuff he owns. You cant argue with that kind of success. So your a Shaman, what is a Shaman? “A Shaman is a spiritual specialist that has a connection with the spirit world and who practices healing along with other spiritual practices that affect the mind and body. Its a lot responsibility”. So how do you become a Shaman? “Its not easy, you need to hear a calling, then you need to study yourself and then get some fuzzy steer horns and a pike from Amazon. Then you customize them with some feathers and tinsel. It also helps to challenge authority in some meaningful way.” It was at this time that very loud bell went off, several guards interrupted and abruptly said, “Chow time asshole! Hit the yellow line and walk!!” Jacob said thanks as he stumbled out in his ankle/handcuff ensemble oddly decorated with feathers and ribbons. Apparently that was how we end the interview.
Former Commander and Chief, now Chef, Donald Trump, has announced his newest fundraiser: The ‘Largo’ kitchen series of easy to prepare meals. The Don himself released these details in a Truth on X. Says Trump, “This is truly huge, the best collection of recipes that anyone has ever seen. No one has ever seen anything like it before. Its amazing truly amazing. Naturally being the greatest businessman on the planet along with having a great brain, I moved quickly. My team and I, along with ‘Wolfgang Puckheads’ decided to release a cook book full of the most creative recipes anyone has ever seen. Its simply huge folks, simply huge. You can pre-order one anytime at Trumpdump.com .” Here is a sample: Dirty Dons Springfield Haitian Kitten Chowder. Prepare: Swipe your neighbors Cat. (You can substitute any critter that you find running around the yard. Hamsters, Dogs, Tarantulas) 1 brick or medium size rock. Set the oven to Broil, or Hot plate to high if your incarcerated. Cook: Start by stoving the animals head in with the rock. Put the cat in the oven, top rack, no pan. Once the smell of fur subsides your dinner is ready to plate. Be sure and use your free phone to post a selfee on X. Best served with rag weed shoots. People have also enjoyed this delicacy with shelf fungus or tumble weed and crushed Styrofoam cups.
The ‘Q’zette Fake news folks, fake news. Edition One (And probably the last, thank God Trump.) An exclusive feature of ThePabst.com and its editorial staff.
A ThePabst.com interview with a MAGA Superstar. Filed by Slammer 10-15-24
The Truthers Truth.
“Don’t be afraid of hungry immigrant savages decimating our beloved pet population, learn from them. Like all civilizations we can be brought together by food and music. Then war, domination, rape, murder and stripping the weaker of their culture and resources.”
The ‘Q’ presents JD ‘Mayballine’ Vance, the official makeup of MAGA.
Oh you got the ‘LOOK’ J.D.! Lilting, lisping king of the couch and VP prospect J.D. Vance is no stranger to a little eyeliner and rouge. Says J.D. “You want the part; Look the part.” Looking good is second nature to Vance, his morning regimen is simple, “You want a deep moisturizer and face exorcises, simple. As the wrinkle creams work, I begin my facial muscle workout. I start with the ‘Liberace’ which is blinking profusely at an imaginary audience or better yet, I ‘work’ with pictures of Don Jr., my bestie. Now comes cheek squeezes, both gluts and face, that’s the ‘George Micheal’. Then the eyebrow lifts, that one is the ‘Purple Rain’, a little ‘Bi’ for me but ‘whatevez’. Then I dart the eyes back and forth, pointing my tongue, that is known as the ‘Swiss bisciut lick’ then ‘Grin’ ups. Ill do this while catching up with the Q, LOL!! Then foundation, “I like a tanning cream and lately I’ll add a little orange tint. Then airbrush my eyebrows and fade in a whisper of rouge. My makeup is fluid, so often people get in a rut with their mā ˌ k ə p. Then of course, the eye liner… Practice practice practice! Perfection is an illusion, admittedly, I’m close.” Cap it all off? Trim trim trim. I have been waxing my ‘Nethers’ lately, it really shines the ‘Boys’ nicely. II usually do it myself but if I have the time, I have done. Rocco at Fishnets Wax Arena is a real pro. Perfect touch, gentle as a lamb!
Classifieds: • For sale, 100+ pagers made in Lebanon. Cheap! Jeehadjon@boomnet.net • Need a new pillow? Call Mike… MikePillow@levenworth.com • Closing out unsold inventory. Sneekers, Crypto, Watches, baseball caps, posters. Contact Don Failedtowin.com • Military surplus, lots to choose from, ran out of people to use it. ValdimereP@Bankruptrussia.com • Super high end office furniture. Desk, Chair, Sofa. Don’t need it anymore. JoeBiden@retired.old